Social Media

I have been asked many, many times about my years in Youth Ministry and what has changed. The biggest thing that has happened to Youth Ministry over the years is technology and Social Media.

Back in the day when communicating with students and parents we had to call everyone on a phone that was tethered to a desk or wall. There was a rotary dial and it took some time, a lot of time, to make all the calls to the parents and students. Then it would happen somewhere your plans would be tweaked and now you have to call everyone back and explain the change. Argh....


We also used a lot of posters and snail mail. You remember mail right? We would actually make a letter, write it out, copy it, fold it, place it in an envelope and stamp it; then to the mail box. This would have to be done days and days in advance. Inevitably the students and adults would get the communication late! Argh...


Today we have Social Media and most of the time this is at the finger tips of the students and adults. No more having to wait until they get home and have to check email. Email, by the way, students do not use, so don't send them! Parents and grandparents are all over that though.


Social Media is like a firearm, in my opinion, now wait before you shut me out! When used properly, firearms are to help, protect, hunt and for safety. When used as intended there is no problem. However, outside the bounds of what it was created for there is a problem. Social Media is the same way. You can contact masses at one time with upcoming ministry information, send updates immediately, contact parents and students at the same time, photos and immediate updates! But when Social Media is not used properly there is a problem. It can be used to tear down, destroy, attack and maim individuals.


Social Media can be a wonderful thing but use it wisely. IF we do not use it correctly in ministry then we are part of the problem. Make sure you follow the rules and guidelines properly! If you don't do it well, it will be used against you.


Parents please have conversations with your students about how to use Social Media correctly! Parents have your student's passwords and check their Social Media often, and let them know you are doing it! Also don't let your students have a Social Media page until 13 due to Federal Requirements, yep the government.


Anyway, I welcome your comments about this monster called Social Media.

Reboot!

Reboot! Yep, that's what I did this weekend. My wife and I have been married over 34 years now. We have jokingly said, or I have said, "Yep we have been married 34 years, 28 happy years!" She just smiles and looks my way and says, "Now that's not true, it hasn't been 28 I am sure of it!" Ha, ha, ha, ouch!

Recently we went to a marriage retreat, A Weekend To Remember, is what it was called. Now you may be thinking, why would a couple that has been married to each other this many years go to a marriage retreat? The reason is that from time to time we too need to Reboot our marriage. Sure we are empty-nesters, that is our children are all grown and gone, and seemed like only yesterday that they were in diapers, but we too need time away to regroup and to reconnect.

I want every married couple to know this, that if you have children, kids, teens, or even young adult children, spend your time cultivating your relationship with your spouse. Many of you know my heart that if it comes down between you or the children, go with the spouse, because one day your kids will be grown and gone. If you are luck they will be for sure.

Now the hidden blog post this time. It's not just about marriage, family and life but it's about the calling in your life. If you are a minister or Youth Minister, I want to share this with you. I was cleaning up some in the office. Don't panic, I still have the proverbial youth minister office. You know, everything in it's place and everything all over the place! But still I came across a piece of paper that a former minister left behind pinned to the bulletin board. It's about our calling, and our lives in the people business. I share it with you today so you too may Reboot your ministry or calling.
It has no title just 7 statements that I now share with you.

1. Am I living a life above reproach? 2 Timothy 2:20-21
2. Is this job my passion or my paycheck? 2 Samuel 23:9-10
3. Am I in line with where we are going as a church?
4. Do I feel like I deserve more? (You shouldn't)
5. Am I reflecting on how things used to be or passionate about how things are going to be?
6. Do i feel like I have to "kill time" because there is "nothing to do?" (There's always something to do when you're in the "people business".)
7. Do I fully trust the leadership? 1 Thessalonians 5:12-13

Now that I have reviewed these in my own life, I can better do ministry. You see too many times we start to focus inward and think we are important, even more important than we really are. We do this in ministry and we surely do it in our marriages.

I guess some of the best advice I have learned about marriage is to out serve your spouse. They try to out serve you, both of these in love, and your marriage will be great. If we do this in ministry, that is out serve others, and they serve the Lord it will be a great ministry.

What if? What if they don't serve like you serve? Who said THEY had too? You were the one called, equipped, and given a passion; you do it no matter what. So today, right now, whomever you are, wherever you are, slow down, be still and quiet and Reboot!

Married Couples, Unite!

Married Couples, Unite! Yep that's what I said, Unite!

What do I mean by this? Well you guys are in a marriage for a lifetime. Be in it. Be in it together, united in all you do. You will disagree, if you don't then one of you is not needed. The other thing, is have some fun in your marriage. Do stuff together, do stuff apart, but do things. Do things you like together. GUYS, she doesn't always have to camp, kill and gut something to spend time with you. Although as a guy I think that's a fun thing.

LADYS, stop making him get in touch with his feminine side; that's just scary. If you are looking for someone that has that warm fuzzy feeling always wondering how you are doing emotionally and wanting to cuddle on the sofa; well get a stuffed bear! Just kidding, not really, yes I am.

I recently was digging out some old papers and came across this that I know you have seen but I wanted to post it in a blog because it's true or funny or not. Read it with while thinking of Married Couples and be committed in marriage for the long haul! Your children need to see it how a marriage in love is lived through.

                           The Rules

1. The female always makes the rules.
2. The rules are subject to change at anytime without prior notification.
3. No male can possibly know all the rules.
4. If the female suspects the male knows all the rules, she MUST IMMEDIATELY change some or all of the rules.
5. The female is never wrong.
6. IF the female IS wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong.
7. If rule 6 applies, the must apologize immediately for causing this misunderstanding.
8. The female can change her mind at any given time.
9. The male mus never change his mind without written consent from the female.
10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any given time.
11. The male must remain calm at ALL TIMES, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The female must under NO circumstances let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. IF the female has P.M.S. ALL RULES ARE NULL AND VOID!

Well there you have it, The Rules. Now read them together, and laugh out loud. You see laughter is great medicine. Doing things together helps married couples to unite.

Safe Harbor

Safe Harbor! This is the term that I saw when hurricane Sandy was coming ashore October of 2012. Some dubbed the storm as "Frankenstorm" as it would affect Halloween, and the 2012 Presidential elections. People on the sea shores and beaches were concerned about their homes, boats, and the harbors that flooded. It was the term Safe Harbor that got my attention.

As I look at the term Safe Harbor I am moved to youth and youth ministry. The students that I have worked with over the years have had to weather storms, big storms, and even some as big as a hurricane and tornado in perspective. Recently I had a conundrum question asked of me, "Why do Christian students bully just like the other kids?". Boom a storm. Economic issues for the family, whoosh another wind storm. Then there is the issue of school and problems there of studies, tests, relationships, and problems with the social area. Students that have self esteem so low that it is in their shoes. Dates or no dates, boy friends and girl friends no one caring about them as they feel alone. Boom, whoosh, and then there's another problem in their lives. Then we talk about peace that passes all understanding in our Christian lives and students just don't get, see it, or believe it. Boom, Bamm, another storm but this time it's spiritual in nature.

Students come home and hope there is a place of safety where they can be themselves. The problem with some students' homes is that there is pressure at the home as much as there is in the school environment. What do I mean? Sports comes to mind. Be the best take no prisoners type approach. Make sure you are faster, meaner, leaner, and know more about that sport than anyone else ever.

How about band, academics, or even the social ladder? Students coming home have the pressure at home as much OR MORE than they do at school! The home has to become a Safe Harbor, a place to tie down and be safe from the storms in life.

The scriptures teach us to do so...“… You were so glad when the storm died down, and He led you safely back to harbor.” (Psalm 107:30 THE MESSAGE) Our savior and Lord has done this for us when it comes to saving from sin, from giving life purpose and meaning without a performance clause. The only clause we have to really "worry" about with the Lord God is to obey in love.

Parents here is my cry out to you as a Minister to Youth and Families, make your home a place of Safe Harbor for your kids, your children, your own flesh and blood. Don't live your lives through them, allow them to be kids, give them guidance and not pushes. Parents lead by example and not by prodding your kids to anger. Help your children navigate the water of the culture by giving them a Safe Harbor at home where they know they are loved, cared for, and sometimes told NO because you love them not YES because you want to be friends with them.

Bottom line for parents in this culture of storms is to allow your child to come home, to tie off and be safe; being loved and cared for by those that care the most about them; YOU! You are not the captain of the ship, their ship, Christ is; you are to be the captain of the harbor and make it safe for them.

Now I have to go and tie down some ships of my own in my own life too. You see being a leader doesn't mean we are always right, just that we will never, ever give up as we steer through the rough seas of life providing a place of rest for others who are tired and weary; a Safe Harbor.

Teens Leaving the Church

Teens leaving the church is one of those blaring statements that not only concerns Youth Ministers but also parents, pastors and church leaders. Recently after returning from vacation I am going through my mail and I find our state denominational paper in my box. One of the headlines reads, "Southern Baptist Membership Continues to Decline". It talks about how we have gone from millions of membership to fewer millions in membership over the last few years. This is not good.

Everyone of those numbers represents a person and not just a number. Churches across the board need to look at "how we do business" and change what we need to change to reach and keep not only the youth but those demographics that we are not reaching. This means not doing things the way we have always done them, cause if you do you will always get what you always got! (Not an original line by the way!) Businesses do this all the time. Look at what you are doing and see if it is "meeting your business plan? Is it reaching your customer base? If it is not, what needs to be tweaked to meet those needs?" Sure this may mean NOT doing some FAVORITE things of the current customers but WE CANNOT ALLOW THE FEAR OF LOSING WHAT WE ALREADY HAVE TO KEEP US FROM REACHING THOSE THAT HAVE NEVER BEEN HERE. This means that we can't allow us to fear losing folks in the pews when we have folks not coming to Christ because of the way we do things for ourselves. Spiritually speaking this is Pharisee ism to the degree of religion over relationship with Jesus.

I read an article from Mark Gregston, who operates a home for youth in Texas and is an author, speaker and director of Heartlight Ministries. It is one of those articles that I have read, copied, printed and digested. It's such a good article that I want to include it in its entirety for you to read. I have taken liberty to insert some italicized words for my own comments within the article and bold. Enjoy and join me in helping reach this generation for the Kingdom.

Why Teens Are Leaving the Church


Posted By Mark Gregston On June 15, 2012 @ 12:42 pm In boundaries,Finding purpose,fitting in,household rules,meaning of life,troubled teens

How many times have you walked into your teen’s room on a Sunday morning, stepped over wrinkled clothes and half-eaten sandwiches, shook the snoring lump between the covers and informed them to get up for church, only to hear a muffled, “No thanks”?

If this describes a scene in your household, you are not alone. Teens are leaving the church in droves. According to a recent study by the Barna Group, close to 60% of kids leave church after age fifteen. Three out of every five kids in your church’s youth group will eventually shrug off the institution entirely. What’s the cause for this exodus? Why is this next generation leaving churches en masse?

The Culture

On matters of religion and the family, our culture fosters confusion in our teens. In a society that craves entertainment, teens have an aversion to lectures. They would rather not sit and listen to someone preach for an hour every Sunday. Church is seen as “boring” or “lame.” It fails to offer fun or amusement. Once the Sunday school curriculum moves past puppet shows into a more serious application of Christian principles, many teens abandon the notion that the church holds any relevance to their lives.

Our culture also preaches that church is antiquated. The cynics have concluded that pastors and church leaders are incapable of understanding the new sexual norms, modern media, changing gender roles, or even recent scientific discoveries. The Barna Group revealed that 40% of 18 to 29 year olds believe the church’s teachings on sexuality and birth control are outdated.

Whether or not the church has done a good job refuting this view or not, the growing perception among young adults is that the church is no longer in touch with the modern world.

The Church

Another reason teens are leaving the church has to do with the church itself. Don’t misunderstand—the point is not to bash churches or assign blame. There are many factors to the departure of teens from their faith. However, like a doctor who identifies the disease before treatments, if we can diagnose why teens struggle with church, we can better cure what ails them.

For many teens, church has become judgmental and hypocritical. On our radio program this week, you’ll hear one of our students from the Heartlight residential program explain that he left church because he felt judged and looked down upon. Kids make mistakes and misconstrue, of course, and they may feel like church unfairly shines a spotlight on their weaknesses. But this is also the most inclusive generation in history. The way they embrace diversity is remarkable and inspiring. However, with that commendable sense of tolerance, young people today struggle with the exclusivity of Christianity. Why does the church act like it knows everything? Who’s to say they have the market on truth or right? For them, the church looks like an elite country club, where those who don’t fit the mold are denied acceptance. (We have to do a better job of explaining the why of things within the church. Why we do VBS as an example. Reason? More people come to Christ through VBS than any other evangelistic outreach of the church. Communicate the why so students and adults will know why we do this.)

Of course, we know this is a skewed view of the church. Not all Christians are hypocritical or judgmental. I have been in churches where the members have been the most loving and divergent group of people I have ever seen. But because your son or daughter may have an immature picture of religion doesn’t mean we should disregard their concerns. We can shatter this perception by celebrating Christian models that disdain hypocrisy. Point out to your teen those Christians who are living changed and transformed lives. Jesus unleashed His deepest anger at hypocritical religious zealots who twisted authentic Christianity.

Sometimes it’s healthy to get your teen exposed to Christian missionaries or volunteers who are building houses in third world countries, adopting children, or digging wells in Africa. Show your son and daughter the transforming work of the church right in their own backyard and around the world. If your teen is struggling with the church, perhaps you can find someone who will take your child under his or her wing and develop a friendship with them. (This fall at our church we will be moving more into small groups and mentor ships for our students and adults.) Interviews with rebellious young people who eventually persevered in their faith report having a friendship with an adult who was not their parent in the church.

David Kinnman, president of Barna Group, conducted his own studies on this issue and revealed that churches that integrate vocation and faith have a better retention rate among teens. Kids want to see how Christianity converges with their aspirations to become graphic artists, civil engineers, biologists, lawyers, or doctors. So, when somebody comes alongside them and says, Look, here’s how that vocation lines up with our faith, it debunks the notion that says church is irrelevant. (If we have a student interested in banking or business we need Christian business people to come along side of them and talk not only faith but vocational life.) If the church holds any hope of engaging with today’s teens, we must deliver the consistent message that our faith speaks to every issue in their lives.

The Teen

Sometimes it’s the culture, sometimes it’s the church, but many times, it’s the teen himself that makes the decision to shrug off church. Even in the best-case scenarios, it’s quite normal to find resistance from your teen on this matter of church attendance. Work hard at not taking it so personally, or as an affront to your success as a parent.

Start discussing this matter with your child long before he or she becomes a teenager. Start going to church as a family when the kids are small; show them that it’s not a duty, but a privilege; it is something your whole family is committed to. Then give your teen a timeline. I advise moms and dads to sit down and present a plan to their kids. It gives you a foundation to work from, and gives your teen a basis for freedom and responsibility for their own walk with God. It could look something like this …

• At 13, you need to go to youth group, church on Sunday, Bible study on Wednesday, and camp in the summer.

• At 15, you need to go to youth group and church on Sunday.

• At 17, you need to go to church on Sunday.

• At 18, we won’t make you go, but we would encourage you to go anyway, because church will equip you with life-skills, purpose and meaning. (I recommend that the last 6 months of HS, January on, to have them figure out what they can leave as a lasting legacy to their youth group. Passing of the baton so to speak.)

Just because more young adults are leaving the church every year doesn’t mean we need to keel to the trend. Some say, Relax, they’ll come back. But I’m not willing to be a passive onlooker as kids abandon the institution of the church. This is a battle that deserves a valiant effort that requires discernment, grace and skill. The community of believers is not only essential in a teen’s life, but in our lives as well. It won’t be easy, and it will take persistence, but with God’s help, we can instill values in our children they will one day pass along to their own.

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, located in Hallsville, Texas. For more information and helpful resources for moms and dads, check out our website. It’s filled with ideas and tools to help you become a more effective parent. Go to www.heartlightministries.org. Or read other helpful articles by Mark, at www.markgregston.com. You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173. Hear the Parenting Today’s Teens broadcast on a radio station near you, or download the podcast at http://www.parentingtodaysteens.org/.

I hope you have enjoyed this conversation and have had some thoughts about how to better reach this generation. The church has to do a better job in stop the Teens Leaving the Church.

Youth Ministry in a Nutshell, Helping Parents

Youth Ministry in a Nutshell, Helping Parents that's right, Youth Ministry is about helping parents. Years ago the philosophy of Youth Ministry was to be the best that you could be and take care of the teens APART from the parents. The parents could rest assured that their teen was in capable hands and someone that knew their children better than they did who didn't need their help.

This model of Youth Ministry was the norm for a long, long time. This has become known of late of teaching the parents to be Dry Cleaner Parents. You know the dry cleaner is where you drop off something that needs to be cleaned up, fixed up, pressed and nicely returned to you in a little over an hour. Parents were taught to vacate their responsibility to become the number one discipler in the lives of their teens. This is not the right way to do this, nor is it even biblical. The parents are to be the front runner and the Youth Minister, Pastor, leader, whatever, is to help the parents.

So I am here to show the parents something and offer some help. Here goes. Have you ever thought about becoming a Missionary? Now don't panic. Learn from what the question is teaching about missions. A missionary that is going to a foreign field has to learn the culture of the people they are to work with. The nationals will have their own language and the missionary must learn to speak, understand, and interpret the language. There is a whole new set of foods to learn to eat, try to like, and although it is NOT something the missionary would have chosen; partake with the nationals to build relationships.

The locals always have their own way of dressing and many times it just doesn't make sense to the missionary. However, to reach the locals there is a way of 'embracing' many of the styles, not to offend, but to share Jesus even in the dress. Then there is the music of the locals. There is the music that moves them, they cry to, get angry with and dance like you have never seen before. This too is part of being a missionary.

Parents you have to learn to be a missionary.

1. Teens today have their own language. Learn it. You may have to understand text-ing in a new way. It is like a short hand that is used to improve speed and to lessen the amount of data going over the network saving you money. You don't have to talk like a teen, in fact, don't; it's kind of creepy. Learn to listen, understand and communicate with your teen. I gotta go to the next one, CUL8r (See you later) ; )
2. Teens eat fast food all the time. Sure you are the parent and "Doritos" at 11pm are not the most nutritious things to eat but sometimes, give in. Students eat crazy food choices, and drinks such as "monster, bull, star, extra caffeine and sugar energy drinks" all the time. Moderation may be in order but saying no way is a sure way for them to sneak and do it anyway. Students eat crazy stuff that you CAN NO LONGER TRY without medication. Bet back in the day you downed some stuff like crazy as well
3. Teen Fashion. Buckle up. Everyday there is someone sitting somewhere dreaming up a new way to wear, or just barely wear, their clothes. Let's face it, a teen wearing a Bennie cap in the summer is really crazy but IF IT IS WHAT EVERYONE ELSE IS DOING, well you know. Be aware of the fashions. You don't have to agree with it but understand it. Modesty is still hot so keep that in mind. The culture of our teens today will wear a fashion that is out there or it will be retro like it is brand new. Why? Because the are trying to be individualistic, while being like everyone else.
4. Teens and the music they listen to. Yep, you remember well what you listened to and probably your parents too said something like, "I don't understand it", "I don't get it", or "Turn that down!" We don't have to like it but we do need to understand the lyrics, the anger or attitude that goes with it or the meaning behind it all.

I know as a parent you may be thinking, 'Well when I was there age we never..." can I be honest with you for a second? You were never this age IN this age! School is different now. Homework, school work, life in general is different now.

Find a great Youth Ministry that is teaching biblical truths and get involved in it. You don't have to teach your own student but get plugged into the ministry. Learn to listen to and hang with students. You don't have to be cool, just accepting and influence a ggeneration like never before. Parents every Youth Ministry I know, needs you. You need them!

You see when you think about it, Youth Ministry in a Nutshell, Helping Parents!

Stay in the Word
ETSOYC 42-44

Where in the Word do I find that?

Where in the Word do I find that? This phrase was heard a few weeks ago when I was talking about parenting, discipline, issues on youth and Youth Ministry and how God's word is our answer to everything. The crazy thing about the Bible is that the information that we need is found in the pages but we have to open it, read it, apply it, and become scholars so to speak of it.

Several years ago the movie "Thirteen" was about a young lady coming of age from being a little girl to becoming a teen. The movie was controversial but looking at it from a Youth Pastor or Parental view, it was and is very enlightening. Children grow up so quickly and sometimes they want to be a young adult before they are ready spiritually, physically (although their bodies may 'show' they are ready), mentally, and emotionally.

Paul Tripp in his book "Age of Opportunity" says that in the first seven chapters of Proverbs that there is a biblical perspective on the struggles facing our students and this generation of cultural teens.

1. Adolescents have no hunger for wisdom or correction. He let's face it they think they are right and much wiser than they really are, and most believe they know MORE than their parents.
2. They have a tendency towards legalism. They tend to emphasize the letter of the law rather than the spirit. Teens trend to push at the fences you have in place and tell you that they are still in the yard.
3. They have a tendency to be unwise in their choice of companions. Let's face it there are some students that your child should NOT hang out with. Your student and their friends are good kids but when they get together, trouble. My wife's grand father used to say this along these lines. "When you have a boy you got a boy, when you have 2 boys, you have half a boy; when you have 3 boys, you have nothing but trouble!" Some good church kids just can not be together without being in trouble.
4. Our culture is a sex charged culture and your students are right in the middle of it being tempted with these new feelings that they have not had before. What do you do with them when you used to not feel this way?
5. Students do not live with eternity in mind. Students live in the now. They want instant gratification. They are micro-wave than a slow cooker. They want what they want and they want it now.
6. They tend to lack a heart of awareness of what they really need or want. Students are wondering about the big wild world that is just outside their doors and how they will function in it.

Add together all of this and you will start to see what the students are struggling with in their lives. They don't fear self-destruction, or risky behavior to fit in or belong. If there are problems in the home, their place of safety, or conflict that is not healthy or talked about; they will find someone to meet their emotional, spiritual, and acceptance needs.

Too many times we move our kids, students and youth to the margins and do not give them an outlet to express themselves. They will find a way to express themselves. If they do not have a chance to share their stories of life they will ramp it up in destructive behavior of some kind. This includes 'good church kids' as well.

I believe that we have to give students responsibilities along with consequences for not being responsible for the things we both have agreed to. You have to allow them to fail, to grow, to expand, to be safe and yet not back down when the conflict comes. Read the Bible as a family, as unit, allow them to lead, to read, to pray and share their hearts in a safe environment. Talk to your student and not at them. Make sure you continue to have places of conversation without judgement when you can.

Read the Bible as a parent in Deuteronomy 6 for your mandate and then read the first seven chapters of Proverbs to better understand your student. Do this and you won't have to ask, "Where in the Word do I find that?"

ETSOYC 31-37

I Dare You To Step Over This Line!

"I dare you to step over this line!" is usually what someone hears between a couple of guys right before a fight breaks out. However, I think that the same words may be spoken by adolescents to their parents, when it comes to being a teen. Teens are different in case you haven't noticed. It's amazing what they think, or not, say or shouldn't say, or do, and you guessed it they shouldn't have done it. Raising a teen into adulthood can be a crazy ride! BUT we can't avoid it so let's learn about our kids before they get into this crazy time called adolescence!

The term adolescence is a relative new term being coined about 100 years ago in our culture. Back in the day a person went from being a kid into adulthood situations and grew up fast and were men and women. Why else do you hear stories from grand parents of them leaving home at 13 or 14 and striking out on their own? But now we have to look at what we are dealing with today.

Adolescence is about a time of transitions and changes. It is that transitional phase of life that connects childhood to adulthood. It is during this time frame that the students are going through the fastest time of change in their lives. They will be changing all kinds of ways, and all at the same time. There are the hormonal issues, neurological, emotional, social, and prayerfully spiritual. These all come at the same time and are like getting a drink not from a water fountain but from a fire hydrant!

So that being said, what are you to expect? There are several things that Dr. John Townsend has listed in his book, "Boundaries with Teens".

• Adolescence is normal and it is helpful to your child.
• Preparation for adulthood. Teens need a time to process in which to let go of parental dependence and move into adult independence; and it can't be done overnight or wait until they are 18 and moving away to college. Teens are under the control of authority until they are ready to take ownership of their lives. Eccl. 4:9-10.
• Dependence versus independence; students want independence but need parental input, even when the think they don't
• Badness versus Goodness; sometimes they will vacillate between doing bad and doing good. Star Wars reference, "follow the force!" the good side of the force, let go!
• Emotional versus Reason; do they know right from wrong? Probably so as you have taught them and then they feel they should do something diametrically opposite of what you have taught them.
• Internal barometer versus External Social Realities, self explanatory.
• Family values versus friends; "us versus them" mentality to a teen.

So what should the healthy adolescence look like?

• Make connection with your teen. Them may seem withdrawn from you, and they might be, but YOU maintain that connection; you're the parent.
• Responsibility. I am a firm believer that you allow them less supervision in areas that you can so they can be successful. Celebrate those things with more responsibility in steps.
• Accepting reality, that is your student is not living in the video land, TV land, or other things such as perfectionism; remember this is real life and we have issues and skinned knees.
• Messing up is normal and not everything is a crises!
• Healthy is looking to the outside to their friends, and the outside world than being home with mom and dad all the time. Stay connected with them though.
• They make friends with other GOOD kids. Parents you may not approve 100% of their friends, but as long as they are NOT dragging your kids into crises, pick and choose here.
• Developing good values is important to them in morals, ethics, and spiritual beliefs. You may not agree with all the parameters they have but you can agree with the foundation.
• Challenging parents is normal and it is healthy. They are speaking their minds, maturing, exercising their own thought processes.

What are we trying to say? Well being a teen is not without issues, it wasn't without issues when you were a teen. Parent so you will not go crazy let me say this, let go of your need to have the perfect teen. Do this for your sanity and for the fact there are NO perfect teens. They are human beings, little models of you, and they will have to learn their own way and you can help them do that.

I know that during these crazy times your teen will drive you crazy to a degree, you will not understand them but remember it is necessary for them to exercise who they are, within your parameters, so they will be solid adults. So here's the fight for the next few years of parenting your teen, "I Dare You To Step Over This Line!"

BWT 69-73

Happy Birthday and Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas! That's what everyone said on the 25th of December this last year and most people really meant it. I guess I really meant it too but I said it with a heavy heart. Why you might ask, well you see my baby brother went home to be with Christ on the 25th of December of 2011 after, I guess, a lengthy illness.

His name is Kenny and he was 44 years of age. He leaves behind not only the mother who raised us, Dorothy is 80 years young and weighs about 90 pounds (maybe); his wife of 19 years and a son, Braden who is only 12 years old. Kenny was my baby brother. Baby is a loose term when you are grown men. Kenny was a big man weighing in at well over 350 pounds and at times in his life weighed even more than that. BUT before you start thinking it had something to do with his weight, Nada!

Kenny suffered from "polymyositis" a connective tissue disease that slowly kept him from being able to move his legs, shoulders, and even motor control of his arms. He also was diagnosed with an inoperative melanoma tumor in his abdomen around October.

I watched his wife Leanna care for and love her husband in a story book kind of way. She took a leave of absence from her job where she didn't get paid while away to care for her family. I saw her help him get up to a standing position so he could walk months before the only thing he could do was lay there. She cared for him like, well; she demonstrated love like I had never seen before. If you or anyone you know that is married, could have half of what I saw, they will be lucky people.

The last few weeks of Kenny's life I was able to spend many hours with him. I had weeks of vacation so I went to the hospital and sat with her and him for days. Sula, my wife, stayed with us as well. We laughed, we cried, we talked about the elephant in the room: the going home of Kenny. We didn't want to talk about it because it seemed like a dream, a bad dream, but still a dream.

Was it hard? YES! I don't want to try to "spiritualize" it or say that we don't hurt because we know where Kenny is; yes we know where he is BUT we still grieve. I watched him tell his son that he was given only a week to live and then to have his 'little boy' lay across his daddy's chest and all of us cry and wail. Kenny gave the father to son talk about you can be whatever you want to be, you can accomplish whatever you put your mind to, be a good and honest/honorable man.

When I was asked to do his funeral, I agreed to do "whatever you want me to do" and then I asked him if I could cry, and his response was, "certainly." Kenny was my baby brother but he taught me oh so much.

When the doctor gave him the grim news, holding his hand and Leanna's hand, he asked Kenny if he could get anything for him. Kenny thought for a minute and said, "A clean bill of health would be nice!" The doctor laughed and so did everyone in the room because Kenny was thinking about everyone else and how they felt.

I survived the funeral experience with several tears pushed back, frogs in my throat, and times of extra prayer for strength. I used the text Proverbs 18:24 that reads, "A man of too many friends comes to ruin, But there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. It was a fitting verse to use for two reasons, 1. It was the same text used at our father's funeral some 27 years before. 2. Because, although Kenny and I were not biological brothers, he was my baby brother.

Kenny wanted me to share the good news of Jesus Christ at his funeral and I was able to do that without any problem. To tell family and friends that there is one that is closer than a brother and that is Christ.

Selfishly I did not want Kenny to die on Christmas day, but God had other plans. His headstone will always have the Christmas date on it. People will look at it may think how sad because he died on Christmas day. I thought that at first, I prayed it wouldn't happen, but it did. Then I thought about Christmas, the birthday of Jesus and how my baby brother really got the best Christmas present of all; he celebrated Christmas 2011 WITH Jesus himself! How cool was it for him to say to Jesus, "Happy Birthday and Merry Christmas!"

Youth Culture 101, Things That Students Are into TODAY!

"Youth Culture 101, Things That Students Are into TODAY" is what I would call this blog. I recently taught a conference that basically looked at our Youth Culture and then hopefully from that; how does the church reach students? Here is a copy of an article done on that conference taken directly from the Western Recorder, the KBC state newspaper.

"Steve Coleman, Minister of youth at FBC Richmond and one of our Kentucky Youth Ministry Coaches recently lead a workshop at Super Saturday on today’s youth culture. Below is an article written by Robin Bass of the Western Recorder on his workshop.

Elizabethtown—In some circles they are called “digital natives.” Others refer to them as the “stressed generation.”

Whatever the term used to describe today’s teenagers, experts agree these young people are living in a fast-paced world that is constantly changing, both socially and technologically.

“Do you realize that kids who are graduating and turning 18 this year were born about 1993? And when you say the first George Bush, they look at you and go, ‘There were two?’” said Steve Coleman, minister to youth and families at First Baptist Church of Richmond.

“I have kids in the sixth grade that are coming into my youth ministry this year that were not born last century. They were born in the year 2000,” he added. “We have this major shift coming our way and if we don’t know the culture, we’re in trouble.”

To emphasis his point during a recent Super Saturday workshop in Elizabethtown, Coleman provided a series of statistics and social trends facing teenagers.

Fact: 60 percent of children born in the 1990s will live without a father in the home for a portion of their lives. “We have so many single-mom families now. Dad is no longer in the picture,” Coleman noted. “Many times mom is the leader of the household because dad has abdicated that role.”

Fact: More mothers working outside the home.

Fact: The average father (when there is one) spends only two minutes a day in conversation with his teenager.

These trends have influenced how teenagers are forming relationships and where they are getting information. When looking for advice, Coleman said youth are 55 percent more likely to seek the advice of friends before anyone else.

Even more alarming is that 57 percent of teens say they have looked for advice from someone online they do not personally know. As for parents, teenagers seek the advice of their mothers 44 percent of the time, while dads come in the lowest at 20 percent. Boyfriends and girlfriends rank slightly higher than fathers at 23 percent.

When teenagers go out into the world seeking guidance and information via the Internet, who is there waiting?

“Our media wants their mind, their money and their soul,” Coleman said. Why else would corporations spend $16 billion annually convincing teens—and anyone else—to believe the individual knows best how to make decisions for himself. By the time a teenager graduates high school, he or she will have seen 36,000 commercials.

To get a true sense of what teenagers are exposed to in the media, Coleman recommended youth workers watch three programs: the Teen Choice Awards, the MTV Movie Awards and Super Bowl commercials to get a year’s worth of youth culture in just a few hours.

“Our kids are swimming in this cesspool all the time and it does affect them.What we have to do is find out where they are swimming and what they are being confronted with, and then we can find out how to reach them,” he added.

As for spiritual matters, teenagers are suffering from the MTDs, Coleman said—moralistic therapeutic deism. There are five key elements of this post-modern belief system:
• That God created the world and watches over it.
• God wants people to be good, nice and fair to each other.
• The central goal in life is to be happy and feel good about oneself.
• God is not needed except to resolve a problem.
• Good people go to heaven when they die.

In today’s youth culture, Coleman said there is no absolute truth. Many teens think it is judgmental or intolerant to believe Jesus Christ is the only way to salvation, yet describe themselves as Christians.

Coleman’s first recommendation for youth workers and parents is to expand their personal libraries. Among the books he suggested were: “Youth Culture 101” and “Engaging the Soul of Youth Culture,” both by Walt Mueller; “Soul Searching: The Religious and Spiritual Lives of American Teenagers,” by Christian Smith; and “Generation iY,” by Tim Elmore.

Students basically want three things from youth workers, Coleman suggested. Teens want an adult who knows their names, they want somebody who will pray for them, and they want someone who is authentic and practices his or her faith.

Another recommendation is to use the technology that has permeated youth culture. Texting, Twitter, YouTube and Facebook are vital to maintaining social interactions with teenagers.

A simple way to get started is by creating a Facebook page for the youth group. Coleman also suggested using TweetDeck on a cell phone or desktop computer to send mass tweets to youth and parents. Youth event flyers, tracts or bulletins could have QR (Quick Response) codes that direct smartphone users directly to a website. Just be sure to update the website weekly, Coleman cautioned.

Since most students have cellphones with video capabilities, Coleman said youth workers could encourage them to record youth-group events and post the videos to the Facebook page. The next day, send out tweets and texts that will drive interest in the page. Youth likely will show the videos to friends who do not attend church.

“I know you don’t like it, but it’s not about us,” Coleman said, referring to technology and social media. “The reality of youth ministry is it’s one of the greatest times ever because they are open to the social part, they are open to the technology, and we can reach kids like we never have before. … Don’t look at it like we’re in trouble. Yes, we are in trouble, but sin is still sin and Jesus is still Jesus. Jesus is the answer.” (WR)

Western Recorder issue date: September 13, 2011.

A New Face In The Frame!

A New Face In The Frame!
This phrase probably best describes being a stepparent. Let's face it being a parent is one of the hardest jobs you can do to begin with and then add into that equation, someone else's children in your home, or you into their home and boom!

Over the years I have seen so many marriages, second and third marriages, crumble because of the issues of dealing with someone else's kids. Mom has come through a bad divorce and the only thing she has emotionally left in her bank comes around her kids. Dad has been with his little girl for a while now and she has him around her little finger and now there's another 'girl' in his life? Competition for the affection of an adult to the child and the child having to share their parent with another person can be difficult at best.

Sure there are so many Brady Bunch success stories out there. You know, "here's the story of a lovely lady who was bringing up...." well if you don't know, google it, or watch T.V. Land. I wish that every step family had nothing but success in their homes but it's not the truth and I won't lie to you. IT'S HARD IF NOT IMPOSSIBLE!

Think about a child that is going into a new family dynamic with a "new parent", that is someone that they know but not really. A child, a teen, a student has had several years to bond with their parent and now this new person wants to tell me that they love me, care for me, and want to be in my life. Sure you do! Hey, it's going to take some time. You can't just jump in and be super stepparent all at one time. So if you are a stepparent, buckle up for the push back you will receive from the child or teen. Too many "stepparents are often surprised and discouraged by the conflicts they have in their three primary relationships having to do with adolescent: the teen, their spouse, and the other parent.

So what are you to do? Well let's look at you and the teen first.

• Know what's going on inside the teen. Most students secretly, and sometimes not so secretly, want their parents to get back together. To have that story book home with mom, dad, and children make three; picket fence and dinner around the table. Well at least in their minds they do. The reality is that's not happening and YOU are the one that is messing that up! That may mean that the teen is rude to you, disrespectful, and defiant! To be honest with you, most of that is 'normal' teen behavior to parents but you become the lightening rod in this relationship.
• Have patience and persistence in establishing a connection. Do things that the teen likes to do, at least to a certain degree. You don't have to become like them, especially in dress, speech, and cool factor! You are still a parent and not their buddy. Get to know them in their world. Be careful here don't become the parent stalker but know what is going on in their world. Sure they will still have some disdain for you but you are trying for the long haul; a long term solid relationship with them.
• Do NOT try to replace the other parent. The mind of a student can be a battle ground trying to keep up with everything; now place another parent in the mix. Don't try to replace the other parent that is not in their immediate life. Oh yeah, when you hear, not IF you hear; "You are not my parent!" you can honestly respond by saying, "You're right I'm not, I'm just trying to..." The only thing you can really do here is to listen, be aware, empathize with them and be there.
• Let the biological parent be in charge of the discipline at first. This step is the one that seems to cause the most problem from my observations of step families. Somewhere in this marriage in the future you may have to be the one that does the discipline but you can't start off that way. Sure you may seem some behavior that you don't approve of or you don't do with your child in the same home but remember it's not your child. So how do you do this? Well you tell the biological parent tell the child that you guys are on the same page and you have decided that .... This way the discipline not only comes from the biological parent but the stepparent as well. Not just one bad guy here but two that care.

You and your spouse.

• Be super sensitive to you spouse's needs and concerns. Put yourself into their shoes so to speak. Think about how you would feel if the roles were reversed and your child is with someone that you didn't know that well in their home. Let your spouse know you are supportive of them and their parenting. Ask how you can help them. When they respond you can have a more clear direction of what to do next. Don't come in by saying, "Let me tell you what you should have done." Not helpful, you are in this together, not in a superior role.
• Allow you spouse to experience your connection with the teen. The best way to show character, love and humility is for your spouse to see you try with their teen. Sure they may not understand, the teen may push you away, but you are loving the child that they love.
• Address questions about parenting skills. Talk about what role you will fill. When will you be entrusted with discipline, guidelines and rules? You cannot over communicate in this part of the marriage. If you are more forceful or 'over bearing' talk about it. It may be that you are not at all but that the biological parent is 'softer or gentler' than you are.

Now the other parent. In case you forget, there is another parent in the lives of these teens. The other parent may be hostile to you and their ex-spouse. The parent may not have the same values, be vindictive, or cause problems by driving a wedge between you, your spouse and the teen. Be ready for this. It may not happen but it might.

• Involve your spouse. Remember they know the ex better than you do and they know how better to handle and talk to them. You have a teen that is your long term care and a spouse that you want to take care of in this relationship. If there is no relationship between you and the ex then make sure that you support your spouse. Let them be in charge and you support them.
• Respect the other parent. No matter whether you respect the other parent or not know that they have suffered loss in the marriage; even if it was their own doing. Even if you don't agree with their values in life, this is still their teen that you have in your home. If possible have conversations about disciplines, homework, curfews, etc. This allows them to know that you do care about their child's well being.

When there is a family dynamics change like this there will be emotional fall out and difficulties. It has to! God created man and woman to remain in the marriage until death do us part. However, for whatever reason, that has not happened. Just be ready for the difficulty that will come because of it.

Remember, you married someone you love. One of the best ways to love you spouse is by helping them love their kids in the most supportive way possible. Give up controls, be humble in a true meaningful way, and earn your place in the family dynamics you have chosen.

I former minister told me years ago that when there's A New Face In The Frame! that it's the hardest job he has ever had to go through. So if you are in this situation, know you are not alone; others have had to look at A New Face In The Frame!

BWT 61-66

But I Am Alone!

But I Am Alone! is what one parent said to me when it came to parenting their teen. As a single parent, regardless of why you are a single parent, you have the hardest job in the world, maybe in the universe! You have to meet needs of your teen that you are not equipped for and you need someone to help you during these days.

So what is a single parent to do when they struggle with all the things that two parent families struggle with when there are two of them? Let's face it your teen will push your button and you have no one to bail you out, to give you relief, nor to give you the back up you need when you make a hard call. 

"You will need to get from the outside what you don't possess on the inside." You may have to take a break from a face to face with your teen and tell them you will get back to them on this but not right now. Take an adult break. Find yourself an adult and spend some time with them to refresh your batteries. Now that you are refreshed go back into the 'discussion'. What you cannot do is to feel you are too tired to deal with it and let it go. You can't let it go and think they'll be an adult soon and they won't need you. WRONG! Your child needs you to help set the boundaries and guidelines in their lives.

By the way, because I am older now and have married adult children, they still need some quality parent time. It's important that you are still a part of their lives.

It's been said that one of the biggest mistakes that single parents make is that they do not let their teens fail. They need to learn from their failures and mistakes. If your teen never has faced this in their young lives how will they ever function in the real world of 'dog eat dog, survival of the fittest, competition of winners and losers?" 

 Don't make your child grow up too soon either. That is they are not to be the other parent and they are not your best friend either. You are the parent. The last thing that a teen needs is another friend, they need a parent.

As a single parent if you start dating again and have another person in your life be careful in introducing your new person to your teen too early. Let's face it if this relationship is broken and your heart is broken because of it, what do you think happens to your teens emotions?

I know that there are parenting differences in the lives of individuals when it comes to parenting with your ex, if that is the case. You struggle because of different values, pains from a divorce, suffering because of the new economic woe you are in. Talk with your ex, if possible, and try to agree that you have to put your differences aside for the sake of your child. It is so important that they come first! This may be hard but remember "start with the end in mind."

Finally find yourself a small group at church, a Sunday School Class of like minded singles for support. You will find there are others that have been there and done that and will be able to give help, advice, and support. Maybe there is a man or woman there, a minister, youth pastor or Sunday School teacher that can help with your child as well. IF you can work through these you will maybe just maybe not have to say, But I Am Alone!

BWT 55-59

Sponge Bob!

Sponge Bob! Yep you read it right, Sponge Bob is what I have been thinking about today as I was contemplating writing a Blog post or not. I am not talking about the crazy cartoon character that lives under the sea in square pants, etc. What I am thinking about Sponge Bob is that phrase when it comes to parenting.

Parenting is a thankless job or at least it feels that way from time to time. You know the feeling as a parent. You are the one that is always giving and giving and your student is the one that is always taking and taking. I know that becomes a little disheartening sometimes but use it to your advantage. Take a minute to think about how you can make this a good thing.

If your child is with you all the time, most of the time, or at least some of the time; you can use these moments as a teaching time. You can now use that 'sucking' life out of you as a positive thing and give them life principles without them even knowing about it. Example: last night in our Youth Ministry one of our students had a little extra tan line on his neck; really it was sunburned. I asked how he got this and he said he had mowed the yard. He was given $10 to do it. I responded that he got ripped off because that yard is at least a $20 yard and we laughed. Here's the fun thing about that conversation, his mom,  much like my own bride, loves to mow the yard. So him mowing the yard, even for $10, was a teaching moment for him from his mom. She was teaching him responsibility.

He was soaking in her work ethic as he was mowing the yard. She was instilling this value into her son and he thought he was just mowing the yard.

Our kids, your students, our children are like sponges and they will soak up lots of things from us, some good and some bad. However, we can't allow them to live in an aquarium of culture and soak up everything around them; that's deadly to them and to your relationship with them.

It is our responsibility to stay connected to our kids even through the turbulent teen years. I believe that our kids will become more like us than we even think about or know about. They spend so much time with us that they will become like us; good or bad. Here's one thing to consider about your child's spiritual condition and growth; will they become stronger than you or weaker than you spiritually? Most will not become stronger as a teen as they walk away, or drift from you,  especially if you have not had them in tow to deep spiritual truths.

I want you, the parent to think of a sponge, or better yet get one out and place it near the edge of a puddle of water. You will see that the moment that the sponge hits the water that a couple of things happen.

1. The sponge will start to soften up as it gets wet.
2. The sponge will start to 'suck' up or draw in the moisture.
3. The water will disappear but it will reappear inside the sponge.
4. The weight of the water is now influencing the weight of the sponge.
5. The sponge, to be used, must be emptied of most of what it has sucked up.

You see each of these things is what happens to our kids when they take on the things of the world and culture. It is my prayer that something will happen to them that will cause them to empty themselves of the culture and then to refill their lives on the Holy Spirit of God.

Bottom line, parents you are responsible for training, teaching, and nurturing your child in the spiritual realm. Remember they are a sponge, just like Sponge Bob.

Make Up My Mind!

Make Up My Mind! is what I overheard someone say to their mom not too long ago! It cracked me up. You see there are times in the lives of our students where they feel that no matter what they are deciding to do their parents will trump that decision with their own. The problem with this issue is that the parents have to be careful to not train their child to be indecisive.

Think of this way, don't you hate it if you have a boss that seems to little your little infractions go at work and then one day you do the same thing, yet again, and this time your boss just seems to go off!? It's like you know that the best thing you can do is to stay close to your boss so that they will not go off on you. You learn to disengage when they are not involved in your work life and embrace them if you see fun stuff coming your way.

How does that translate into parenting? Stay with me as I build this up for you a bit but it's true! You see "parents teach their children primarily through experiences, even more than through teaching and talking. That is we will parent from our own level of maturity."

Too many times we see parents that will choose not to engage their child for some bad, not terrible behavior, but something that the parent just doesn't want to address at that time. However, later the parent is ready for the fight and when the student messes up and you blow up at them. We tend to save up, save up, pressure up and then Zap, we blow up at our kids.

Here's the issue with this parenting style, we teach them them in the long run that love and limits don't go together. Let's face it all of us from time to time will ignore things but we can't let them build up!

So how do you overcome this style and parenting issue:

• Identify that this is what you do and get someone else, maybe a Youth Minister, or other friend, parent to help you through this.
• Tell your teen upfront that part of the problem is you and you take ownership of your part with them. You will get tons of points with this and it opens up the dialogue between you two.
• Get other adults in the life of your teen. Your teen can and needs to experience mature people who can take your teens attitudes, stay connected with them, and enforce the values that you as a parent do. This is a way to say you are right and others agree with you as they live out their lives as well.
• Write out the rule and establish accountability. Write down the expectations, go over them, have your student sign off on them and it protects you and them. You can't build up and Zap because everyone is on the same page, so to speak.
• Give your teen connection and consistency. (2 of my favorite things) Connect with your teen because believe it or not they really do want to connect with you as their parent. Consistency is huge! Even in our being upset and anger they need to know they are still loved.

This issue of consistency is so important because the teen needs someone in their lives who is strong enough be there for them no matter what. When teens don't experience connection and consistency, they can't develop a sense of self-control and responsibility. It also lessens their ability to develop and to accept the good and the bad aspects, or lifestyles of others. What they cannot accept in themselves, they are often are not able to accept in others.

It goes without saying, but I am saying it anyway, that parents what you do is important in the life of your teen. You see you have to be a part of their lives. Gone are the times or thoughts that all you have to do is to get them to age 18 and they are out of the house. You have to get into their lives and move toward the destination of maturity. You have to help them learn that you are there for them and love them when they say, Make Up My Mind!

BWT 47-53

Start With The End In Mind

Start With The End In Mind is a phrase that I have said and written about multiple times. I have looked at people traveling on vacation at the airport and never have they shown up at the airport with their bags in hand just to ask for tickets to SOMEWHERE! They know exactly where they want to go, the final destination is in mind even before they leave.

We as parents need to do the same things with our children when it comes to parenting. Too many parents have the goal of surviving until the kids are out of the house and hope that the kids turn out alright. Bad way to parent if you ask me, bad way to parent even if you don't ask me. You see your children are kids, they may or may not know what's best for themselves and they need guidance. If you started a new job you would want someone to train you, to walk beside you, to give you guidance until one day you were ready to do it on your own. Our students and children deserve the same things in their lives especially when it comes to learning how to be independent at the appropriate time. Let's face it there are some things that your kids aren't ready for yet but they will in time be ready.

I wish that there was that mythical parent book that was given to us when our children are born in the hospital but there isn't. "The are mind sets, strategies, and approaches that work in some circumstances" when it comes to answers on how to raise our kids. "There are standards that should not be violated, principles that should not be given up, and Biblical mandates that should not be forgotten."

You see in our culture I do believe "that pain isn't always a bad thing, that kids are overly entitled and demanding, and that too many parents are enabling their children to continue their foolish (and childish self-centered) thinking. This generation of parents has spoiled our kids rotten, given them too much, and not expected enough in return. This generation of parents has created a generation of immature kids who would rather act childishly that ever grow up (think Peter Pan here), be given things rather than work for them, and have all the privileges of adulthood without accepting the responsibilities to go with it."

Last night I was watching a television show where the divorced mom was to pick up her daughter and her friends to take them somewhere. In the program the working mom was late to pick them up. Once she got there the daughter was upset because she had to wait. When mom got out of the car she was told that she was late and then she, and her friends, dropped their bags infront of the car and got into their seats. The mother then picked up the bags and put them in the trunk for them. REALLY? You see the mom didn't take the moment to teach the children that she was not their private butler. She missed the opportunity to teach about respect, attitude, and being a servant to your friends; not honoring your mother as scripture teaches. (I know it's a television show and written that way!) When I saw this happen I looked at my wife and said, "I don't think so! You want your bags in the car, you'd better get out and pick them up or I am leaving with out them!

While this may sound harsh, it is not my intent but I do want us to wake up as parents. There are many parents that have a done a great job as Christian parents building relationships with their children at a deeper level than they had themselves with their parents. Many parents have attempted to build and ground deep spiritual truths into their children and ownership of their faith; this is wonderful as well.

Every parent will have hard times and difficulties with their 'perfect' good children but prayerfully it is only a bump in the road. Just know that when you hit those "bumps in the road that God will take you through it and what you will have on the other side of it is a deeper relationship with your child; and as a Christian, your relationship with Christ will be deeper because of it as well."

Parent if you are a parent of a teen, know that you will have plenty of times to build and deepen your relationships. You will have times to mold your child. There will be times when your child will 'hate' you, dislike you, be angry with you, and give you a silent treatment, etc., etc., etc. but that's normal.

Decide early your standards and what you want your child to become once they leave your home and are 'adults' or have children of their own. In other words, it is my prayer that you will Start With The End In Mind!

PT 13-15

Parenting Out of Our Spiritual Guides

Parenting Out of Our Spiritual Guides is our topic for today. I have to admit that when I was reading, researching and remembering those good old days of parenting our teens, well I recall my many failures on this one. To say that I have been there and done that is not flattering to me as I confess that I blew it and messed up so many times in this area. Let's face it "we're good Christian parents" and we should be able to do this.

The problem with good Christian parents is that we still try to parent in our own strength. Let's face it don't you get tired of refereeing every fight that your children have? The little guys are so irresponsible. They mess up everything you have planned in your perfect little world, home and the sofa, well one day you can buy a new one. By the way, about the time they become teens the old sofa will do just fine because they still spill stuff everywhere.

So let's talk about parenting out of your own strength and resources and abilities. When you do this you are teaching your children to live their lives the same way. To do it on their own. When I do the parenting on my own resources I and my child operate on "behavior, performance and external motivations." When I rely on Christ to work in me then I am teaching our children to "pursue Christ, relating to each other on a heart level, and being motivated internally."

How did we get to parenting on our own strength?

• Our parents probably did the same and we were trained by them and learned from them.
• From our own fears and insecurities. Let's face it don't we all fear that others will think bad about us if our kids aren't perfect? (by the way perfect kids aren't natural.)
• We discipline in the methods we know best that leads to behavior modification but not a change of heart.
• We view success and then we move our kids that direction, be it from teams, to dances, to dance teams, cheer leading; to us living our lives through their young lives in success.

Looking at these lists  we see performance based and external motivations in our kids. If they look good, sound good, dress well, and are on the best things that make me look good as a parent, well then my parenting skills are working. Really?

The check list mentality that we are looking at is legalism. Legalism creates a difficult and negative impact on the family. If you hear yourself saying these phrases, look out:

• Guilt. "You ought to...you should... or you could" are phrases we use to say our kids just don't quite measure up.
• Fear. The fear that we instill in our children results from our won fear. When fear drives us, our method of rules and regulations, and the kids mess up we punish. (not discipline but punish.)
• Performance. How easily we are saying that our kids are not measuring up to our standards.

Now before you deny or beat yourself up over these three words in handling your kids let me say that this is kind of a default setting for all of us. We all seem to gravitate to these in our natural lives. We can learn to parent supernaturally through the power of Christ. If we fail to parent through the strength of Christ we will see our teens do well at home and then they will 'go off the chain' when they graduate from high school. They do so because they no longer have to worry about the guilt, fear or performance they grew up under at home.

So how do we do this? We learn to parent by dieing to self as described in scriptures.
Galatians 2:20 "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."

GRACE is the word that we have to live through. You see God throws open the door and moves us into the freedom of his grace. Think about it this way:

1. God accepts us, and we please him simply because Christ's Spirit lives in us.
2. We can rely on the Spirit to supply us with all of his resources so that we are able to follow Christ faithfully and find fulfillment in him.
3. Practically, we have the freedom to use his vast array of resources to internally motivate us and our children.

Galatians 2:20-21, 5:1; 13, 16-18, 22-25 are the reasons for grace.
So what am I saying to you about parenting and your abilities? I am saying that you have everything you need to parent your children through Christ Jesus.

Think of it this way, if we want our children to respond to God and the wooing of the Holy Spirit in their lives how can they do that if we are always telling them what to do and harping on them when they don't meet our demands? As we teach our children, let's teach them to hear the Holy Spirit and that the focus of our discipline, actions and our conversations with them shows them how to hear the voice of God and not just my demands on them.

Our grace goal is to help our children become strong in the spirit as they learn to trust in the Holy Spirit that resides within them. Then as they get older and face more socially, morally, and spiritually demanding situations, the will begin to process the inner convictions to make Godly and Spirit filled decisions.

Parents, all of our other parenting issues will flow from this one decision about grace. This decision will determine how we operate as a family. Once we admit our inability to raise our children and desire to raise them by God's grace, all of God's resources become available to us.

2 Corinthians 9:8 "And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work."

If it is all in Christ, then we give it all to Christ. so that our all in all is Christ and not ourselves anylonger. This way we can stop Parenting Out of Our Spiritual Guides.

PF67-77

5 Tips on Raising Teenagers!

5 Tips on Raising Teenagers! was that title of a recent blog post and article in the Western Recorder, the newspaper of the Kentucky Baptist Convention by Joe Ball...Youth Strategist for the KBC.

What struck me about this article was his openness and his honesty. You see we are friends and I have seen him do, say, and act out these things in his life and in his home. I write parenting blogs weekly and thought this one was extremely well written and wanted to share it with you in its entirety. Enjoy.

5 Tips on Raising Teenagers!
It seems that this season of ministry has me being asked a lot about parenting teenagers. I am sure some of that has to do with the season of life that Gina and I are in. In less than six weeks our youngest will turn twenty and we will no longer be the parents of teenagers. Wow, that doesn’t seem possible and that makes us proof that you can survive parenting teens.


I thought I would pass along some things that have been percolating in my soul about raising teens.

Understand you are not your parents. I love my parents dearly and am blessed beyond measure that God chose them for me, and I’m not just saying that because they read this article regularly. And even though my dad and I share a name we are not the same person. I strive to be like him in a lot of ways, but I am not him. And no matter how good or bad your parents were/are we are not them. We aren’t them and this isn’t the 1970”s so we cannot parent exactly how they did. We must sort through the “how” of our upbringing and become the parents we need to be for our children.


Remember your child is not you. This is tied directly to the first one yet deals with the other end of the spectrum. Just because we did or thought something at a certain age, doesn’t mean our children will do or think the same thing or respond in the same way we did at that age. Or just because a form of discipline did or didn’t work for us you does not mean it will have the same result on our child.


But probably where I see this the most is when it comes to sports or extra-curricular activities. I’ve seen countless students playing football, being involved in 4-H, band or dance just because that is an interest that parent has now or had as a teen. And it’s just not secular activities that we push are preference on, it happens in organizations and activities in church as well.

Each child is unique. I could write a book on this one, and probably several people have. But it is one area that we as parents have to work on the hardest. And in all honesty I think most of the issues here have to deal with us trying to be fair and not show favoritism. It usually plays out in, “well your sister didn’t get a cell phone until she was _________, so you’re not getting a cell phone until you’re _____________.” Or “your brother gets all A’s and B’s why can’t you”.


Each of us was created by God as unique individuals, with different talents, personalities, quirks, passions, skills, etc. While two students may be raised in the same house they are not raised in the same family. When Karen was born, she was an only child for almost 5 years, and then she became the older child. Jordan will never know what it is like to be the oldest child and his time as an “only child” came while he was in high school and his sister was away at college. One of our roles as parents is to help develop the uniqueness God created in each of our children.

Keep the end in mind. One of our primary roles as parents is too raise our children to be adults that follow God and have God’s eyes and heart for the world. I kept having to remind myself that some of the things that I saw in my kids that drove me crazy as a parent were things that would serve them well as an adult. While it drove me crazy that once Jordan made up his mind about something it was almost impossible to get him to change his mind. But when he became a teenager and was making more and more of his own decision and his friends had more and more of an influence on him, that that strong will was still there and that was a source of encouragement for me that he would stick to his guns and not be swayed by peer pressure.


Our job as parents is to disciple them along the way and to help them become the adults that God created them to be.

Enlist others along the way. Gina and I were both blessed in because our grandparents lived right down the street, and our first playmates were our cousins. We also had other adults in our lives that cared about who we were, knew are name, and looked out for us. As parent we can’t do this alone. Our children need the voice of others speaking truth into their lives. As a youth pastor I got the privilege of being “the other along the way” for countless students. My dad in his forty plus years as scoutmaster has gotten the same privilege for numerous boys. I will be forever grateful for those adults that spoke into the life of our children. Others are going to speak into the lives of our children, and I want them to be Godly men and women that will speak the truth of God into them.

You see!? Honesty and transparency when it comes to giving you 5 Tips on Raising Teenagers!

Promstitution Is Coming!

Promstitution Is Coming! Okay, I know that is not a real word but it is one that has to be discussed annually with your teens, especially if they are old enough to go their school's Prom.

What do I mean about the word Promstitution? Well over the years in working with students and adults in youth ministry I have seen so many disasters that happen around the time of prom. Many times this will not even be realized until much later when there is an influx of teen pregnancies. By the way I had a nurse in a large metropolitan hospital tell me that the hospital always increased manpower on the obstetrics floor about 8-9 months after Prom and after graduation. It seems that for some strange reason there is an influx in the number of  babies being delivered to teens 8-9 months after these special days from high school.

From a guys perspective, and I have had guys tell me this, "I spent money on the tickets, the corsage, the tux, the dinner, the ride, the meal, and pictures and all I get is hug and a kiss? I don't think so!" I know you think this guy is a real jerk, and rightly so, but think about the pressure that is placed on their date!

So what is a parent to do? Lock up your teen? (Not a good idea by the way.) You could refuse to allow your teen to go. Maybe. How about a sleep over at your home while you sit up all night to keep "those people" away? No. However, you can and should be proactive when it comes to the subject of Prom. You see Prom is that one event where we allow children to dress up like adults and act like adults, but THEY ARE NOT ADULTS.

In a recent Parenting Magazine I saw several great ideas to help you the parents. By the way if you are a parent of a teen, you need to start talking about this today, even if your student is not even close to being old enough to go to prom. You see you cannot over communicate.

So here are the top 5 things you can do with your teen and one added in for good measure.

1. Communicate with your teen.  Yep, talk to them not at them. Don't lecture! this is not the time for you to be standing with one hand on your hip and one in their face. Communication goes both ways, talking, interpreting what has been said, decoding the information and returning the same to them. By the way asking questions here goes a long, long way.
2. Get some help from trusted others. Other adults in the lives of your teen will help you tremendously. Several times I have had students call me to get support for their side of an argument to find out that I agree with the parent. Small group leaders, or ever the Youth Pastor can help balance out the issues.
3. Agree on an escape plan!  If your teen is in trouble, uncomfortable, or a little nervous about the evening and they want to escape but don't want to yell, "HELP!" on the cell phone; what to do? Come up with an escape plan and code word to get the help you need. It could be "I was calling to check on grand-mother", or "How did Billy do in the wrestling match tonight?", or how about "The kool-aide is not my flavor and I'm not wanting any at all.", wink, wink.... I think you get the idea. you decide on the words.
4. Set Appropriate Boundaries, Together.  By the way this is done when you are communicating and talking together. Discuss curfews and appropriate times to be home. You can always stretch this IF YOU ARE BOTH COMFORTABLE with it. DO NOT TELL YOUR DAUGHTER THE TIME TO COME HOME IN FRONT OF THE DATE! She may want to come home earlier and now you have taken away one of her 'outs' by telling him the time to bring her home and she wants to end the date sooner.
5. Discuss The Boundaries Up-front and be Flexible. If you are one of those lucky parents that has 2 going out on the same night you know this already. The same thing for both of your children may not be appropriate. Be flexible about times on each child, IF IT WARRANTS it. If as the parent you do not feel it is in the best interest for your child to stay out to 1am when the prom is over at 11:30, make the call. However, if your child tells you that they are going to some one's home for a gathering afterwards, and you know and trust the adults there, then you can be flexible. Communication again.

Hey here's a freebie for you. Why not host the after Prom party at your home? You can have the place where the students hang out and have fun with them. One year I did this for my teen and several of their friends. One of the young ladies told her mom, who later told me, that the evening took the pressure off her as you can't do stupid stuff at your youth pastor's house!

Lastly remind your child, as a Christian, of who they are in Christ. As a daughter of God, they are a princess and deserve much better than mediocrity. As a son of God, they are royalty and cannot be taken down by the wiles of the evil one.

"Noted author and counselor Dan Allender has said, "You are the only you this world will ever know and something about you is meant to make something about God known in a way that no one else can!" You are his and he wants you to be the best you can be....

Be prepared, pro-active, and ready because, Promstitution Is Coming!